Marriage and Family

By

Albert Gomez

The experience that I have after twenty six years in marriage, helps me to appreciate the nine stages scenario described in "How marriage problems develops" by K. Huggins. Next illustration shows the downfall.

STAGE 1 - IMAGE MAKING

STAGE 2 - ENCHANTMENT

STAGE 3 - GREAT AWAKENING

STAGE 4 - THE SRUGGLE FOR DOMINANCE

STAGE 5 - COMPROMISE

STAGE 6 - REGRET

STAGE 7 - BETRAYAL

STAGE 8 - SOCIAL DIVORCEMENT

STAGE 9 - EMOTIONAL DIVORCEMENT

According to statistics in 1900, USA had 200 cases of divorce. Now there are 19.4 million (1999). Divorce rate has increased 420% in NJ.[1]

Even in my healthy marriage life, I have tasted difficulties. Some of the problems were related with the "marital myths" involved in image making stage one of the mentioned book. At that stage I thought I was more mature and that my wife and I had the same expectations from each other. My wrong understanding produced a serial of problems that were hard to solve. However, through the course of "Marriage and Family" I grasped understanding in eight particular points seen in class.

Image Making.

There are many false expectations from any inexperienced couple. One of the most frequent myths is to believe that marriage will solve all our personal problems. Doctors Les and Leslie Parrott enumerate the four most common misconceptions as follows:[2]

• "We expect exactly the same thing from marriage."
• "Everything good in our relationship is going to get better."
• "Everything bad in my life will disappear."
• "My spouse will make me whole."

Through the years of reflection on marital problems, the marriage couple must arrive to the conclusion that help is necessary to heal the once almost reached ideal relationship. The time of enchantment is over and the great awakening comes with the power of disillusionment. Now the question is, who is going to take control over the situation and who is going to determine what is right or wrong?

I have to recognize that many trouble couples need professional assistance. Nevertheless, the elemental counselor for all situations is the Word of God that gives us the right attitude for the assigned role God wants us to have.

Gender Differences.

The next step is to repent from our false expectations. Let the spouses find out the interesting gender differences and roles in marriage. Many conflicts arise out of ignorance about our gender tendency. Of course, there is not male not female before our God (Gal. 3:28). Nevertheless, we are wonderfully and fearfully made (Ps. 139:14). Then, considering the wonderful role for each sex which God has created and the implications on the gender's behavior, both husband and wife must collaborate to know how to love and respect each other's characteristics and ways of thinking. There are basic differences between male and female. The key is to know exactly what those differences are to correct our expectations accordingly to our spouse's view.

Focus in achievement.

Focus in relationship.

Like to use words like progress and useful.

Like to use words like connected and relational.

They are motivated by achievement.

They are motivated by relationship.

Has a calculating head.

Has a feeling heart.

Needs to be admired, to have autonomy, and to enjoy shared activity.

Needs to be cherished, to be known, and to be respected.

Feels better solving the problem.

Feels better talking about the problem.

Marriage Problems.

The starter point in marriage is written in Genesis 2:24. The idea is that you leave your parents, cleave unto your spouse, and have unity. Marriage is a unity with each other and God, once that I leave my parents, my wife becomes "bones of my bones and flesh of my flesh" (Gen.2:23). The parental direction is like the third head of the family. The couple's should be self-directed. Neither is convenient for them to function as a two headed person (independent from each other) nor as a differentiated person (struggling to be different), but in subjection to one another in the fear of God (1 Pet. 3:1-7). Today I can relate my marriage to a ministry model, but it was a time that we experienced the consumer model in which each one tried to gain control, not to dominate but to get what we (thought) deserved. Thanks God for His Word, which give us direction and spared us from failure. Nevertheless, the lesson I learned is that I am not always right. In addition, my spouse should be involved in decision making especially because I am aware that my natural tendency is to rule and not to love (Gen. 3:16). That is the reason of the apostle Paul teaching man to love their wives as Jesus love the Church and gave himself unconditionally for it (Eph. 5:28-32). Then Paul turns to the wife and teaches to "reverence her husband"(Eph. 5:33 b), for her natural tendency is for love rather than reverence to her spouse.

The best guard against divorce is to search for reality. The symptoms for divorce begins to down spiral from Image Making to Enchantment, Great Awakening, Struggle for dominance, Compromise, Regret, Betrayal, Social divorcement, and Emotional divorcement. The sooner we stop this process the easier we solve it. We must reflect on what is happening and repent of our down falling direction.

The building of our marriage should have a strong foundation of Integrity. The passion[4] (desire/fire) which dwells in that house, should be protected against lack of emotion, never neglecting to guard our hearts. Be in no wise secretive to our spouse. Neither let the passion be a routine, or become more sensitive to anyone else than to God. All these elements supplant passion, and they turn passion into duty.

The roof of the marital house is Commitment in which we are called to produce good works (Heb. 10:24). Marriage is a covenant made before God and He hates divorce. We must reflect before we react. If there is unconditional love, all situations can be handle , just ask, why? Let us be ready behave wisely, as we agreed in class, "We should be a thermostat instead of a thermometer".[5]

First, our heart must be right with God, then we must submit to His purpose in the other person' s life. Second, when something goes wrong, we must always seek for God's help. Third, our strength is the Lord, He is the source of life, not our spouses.

The first wall of the marital house is Vulnerability, referring to self-disclosure in an atmosphere of gentleness, trust, protection, prayerfulness, equality, understanding, and respect. The second wall is Power, which symbolizes the power to refrain using our intimate knowledge and position in marriage to harm/humiliate our partner. In my marital house, I see very clearly that if the builder is not the Lord, my building is in vain (1 Cor. 3:9-16). Since my wife and I placed our dependency in the Lord, our marriage changed amazingly for good. The advice for a ready to divorce couple is to encourage them to remain in counseling. Second, check the Word of God to find out the proper perspective on marriage; read Eph. 5:18-33, Col. 3:18, and 1 Pet. 2:13, 18-25, 3:1-7 (submission/subjection); check also the word sacrifice in Rom. 12:1, Eph. 5:2, Heb. 10:26, 11:15-16. The home has the first place in God's economy (1 Tim. 5:8). "If ministry in the home does not happen, it won't happen in the church"[6]

I will encourage to the conflicted couple: reflect, repent and start a new relationship in the Lord, your shepherd and mighty counselor. Change your "what's" for the "how's" in which is the secret of counseling unveiled.

How to evaluate my own family living.

The essential principal relates to what model do I serve: the ministry model (Christ-like, servant's heart, Phil. 2:1-8), or the consumer model (selfishness, natural type, Gal. 5:13-16). The question of pursuing after the right model, is who am I in Christ? Which is my proper role? Is God the north of my life? The good path to follow begins with the Polarization of my own unreal expectations from my spouse. Second, is my Reflection on how can I correct it? What went wrong? Third, the Ministry model gets into action. Instead of dwelling on disappointments, I will rather be working in producing a good spouse out of me. Fourth, is Intimacy, in which I communicate in the innermost lovely, delicate and personal way to my spouse all things. Always with the Lord's help, let me fight against selfishness and never using my children to keep the marriage together.

The more functional the marriage gets, the less accepted it is by the relatives/friends that know about the dysfunctional status.

When the family of origin influences self and others.

The family background is a strong element in the new couple's modus operandum. Our parents taught us the best of their abilities (Heb. 12:9-10). However, they were wrong many times, and it is very difficult to be free from this past education. Again, the Word of God is our schoolmaster that teaches us to forget those things which are behind (if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature, 2 Cor. 5:17), and press toward the north of his/her life for good. God's plan of reconciliation to mankind is effective to all those who by faith believe it. The Lord, personally empowered me to overcome many negative memories from a dictatorial father relating by controlling me rather than teaching me. However, the Word instructs us to "train a child in the way he should go." (Prov. 22:6). Moreover, do not try to take away self-determination (Eph. 6:1-4). The thing is to help my son to be the person he/she should be. It is impossible for a good, willing parent to think that he/she can discipline a child without God's help. The scenario with the priest Eli, is a good illustration of how the Lord deals with lack of discipline (1 Sam. 3:12-14). Moreover, the Lord's servant must not strive; but be gentle unto all men apt to teach and patient (2 Tim. 2:24). Another reference could be outlined from 2 Tim. 3:16: first, teach; second, rebuke (train warn); third, correct (discipline, consequences); fourth, training in righteousness (setting a right example).

Having communication skills and resolving conflicts.

The key to solving a big portion of marital problems is good and constant communication. I believe that television is the number one enemy in today's homes. God delivered me from that negative influence over twelve years ago. I do not stop announcing how great is family life and its intimacy without the sarcasm, irony, and blasphemy that comes from television's philosophy. To develop communication skills, time is needed, husband and wife must be looking to spend quality time together, always sharing the personal life experiences with our spouses. The conflicts at work are many times affecting our mood. Therefore, it is a healthy thing not to bring it home. Nevertheless, once the problem is taken home with us, let us expose it and pray to have strength to get rid of it. Reality must overcome expectation. Understanding our spouse's feelings and concerns prepare us to deal easier with the obstacles that hinder us to love each other fully. Learn to listen, is so important to know that your love one cares enough for you and wants to hear you (Jas. 1:19). The communication process needs commitment, unselfishness, and teamwork.

In resolving conflicts[7] as seen earlier in this paper, first of all, God must be our ultimate counselor. Second, is to be accountable to God and spouse, always ready to recognize failure when is there. Third, do not regret, remember to forgive as the Lord did with us. Fourth, do not get away from your spouse, but fight the good fight toward reconciliation. Fifth, turn far away from showing down and damaging your partner's character. Sixth, avoid severing the union by legal means, seek counseling help and work for a solution. Seventh, the recovery process is difficult, but do not give up: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Eight, the immersion stage is the beginning toward the restitution process, even going through a painful acknowledging of all offenses committed against you (Gen. 50:15-21, Joseph). Ninth, set up the boundaries, working on a safe constitution, designing a marriage mission statement Rom. 12:17-18). Tenth, is time to integrate to your first love with God, get yourself free from bitterness caused by offenses against you (2 Cor. 1:8-9). Eleventh, is the grieving for the past errors that starts coming to the healing couple who were ignorant of a more excellent way (Ps. 73:1-3, 14-28). Twelfth, is the moment to find out the meaning, what each one of us learned from it and use it to help others (1 Pet. 2:15-23; 2 Cor. 4:7-12). Thirteenth, is the attitude of ministry that strengthens the couple overcoming evil with good ( Rom. 12:9-13, 20-21). Fourteenth, is the stage in which the couple is able to have compassion of others in similar situations (Rom. 12:14-16).[8]

Useful resources to assist in family living.

The course at PCB in Marriage and Family is one of the most important resources to help improve and correct the walk in any family. Book writers like Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts), along with other materials (video kit, and workbook for men/women). Also Dr. Larry Crabb's book "The Marriage Builder".

Kevin Huggins's book, "How Marriage Problems Develop", and his video, "Parenting Adolescents", Dr. Bruce Wilkinson's video, "A Biblical Portrait of Marriage", and Dr. Ross Combo's video set "How You Really Love Your Child", are very helpful tools for assisting families in need or willing to be better equipped to minister to others.

Improving my parenting.

In this interesting course, I have learned many important guidelines. One of them is the stages that develop in marital problems by Kevin Huggins, a tool that I have had the opportunity to use at work with a young couple ready to separate. The downward spiral with the description of each step helped me guide this couple to let them realize they were going in the wrong direction and change their falling course. Another profitable input has been to learn the difference between men and women's thinking.

My parenting has been improved around the people that I walk with, and I thank God for every teaching tool and advice that I can use to minister to others.

[1] Moore, J. Robert. Class lecture PS356D. Philadelphia College of Bible, Langhorne, 14 January 2000

[2] Drs. Parrott, Les & Leslie. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995. P.160

[3] Parrott, Les & Leslie. Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. "Have you bridged the gap?" pp. 93-106

[4] Passion, not duty: poster #1 (at the end of this paper).

[5] Moore, J. Robert. Class lecture PS356D. Philadelphia College of Bible, Langhorne. 14 January 2000.

[6] Ibid, 21 January 2000

[7] Divorce & Recovery. Poster # 2 showing the sequence in marital conflicts (at the end of this paper).

[8] Moore, J. Robert. Class lecture. PS356D. Philadelphia College of Bible, Langhorne 04 February 2000